I'm Out On 24 Hours of A Christmas Story

In the mid-1990’s Turner Broadcasting taught America an important lesson, as American’s when we like something we will hammer is into the God damn ground. After a few years of increased showings and interest in the film on TNT they went all in with a 24 hour marathon of the 1983 holiday comedy A Christmas Story, and in 2004 the tradition was moved to TNT’s sister station TBS where the tradition has continued for over a decade. A Christmas Story has woven itself into the fabric of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day traditions; the leg lamp, the tongue freezing to the pole, “oh fudge”, the casual racism, at some point in that 24 hour span you are going to sit down and catch you’re favorite scene and later come back and see that same scene without seeing any other parts of the movie (and then again and again). For many of homes in the 24 hours of A Christmas Story is a tradition like no other and it simply isn’t Christmas without it, and I have only one thing to say about the tradition, I’m out! I’m done, this tradition.

A Christmas Story is a fine holiday film that will keep your grandma reminiscing about the good old days and your creepy uncle saying “See, they couldn’t get away with this today”, but 24 hours of it? An entire rotation of the Earth? A Christmas Story has become your significant other’s relative who talked to you once about your car and won’t change the subject of your conversation even though it’s been 13 freaking years. Ralphie has become the coworker who asked you for fantasy football advice and now gives you a weekly player by player update. The 24 hour format has turned what should be a Christmas classic into babbling, an incoherent stream of consciousness. To be honest with you’ve been watching this movie since I was probably 3 years old and I have no idea at what point anything happens, all I know is there’s about three scenes that would make good closing scenes but I’m 99% sure the movie just keeps going. Here’s an exercise, think about your favorite scene in A Christmas Story, got it? Good, now what scene comes right before it? How about right after? You have no idea, sure, it’s probably a “you’ll shoot your eye out” scene but that’s all we know for sure. It comes from a continuous stream suburban 1940’s vignettes and will continue into a stream of suburban 1940’s vignettes.

I’m done with it’s spot on the schedule too, from Christmas Eve all the way to Christmas night. The film’s first airing is traditionally at 8:00pm Christmas Eve meaning it will end (checks to make sure math is right) at 8:00pm Christmas night, which is simply too late. I’m done with Christmas at about 3:00pm Christmas day; I’ve moved on TBS, my holiday cheer is spent, give me some Seinfeld, Family Guy, even a Tyler Perry Movie (just kidding, I’m not crazy). By the time Christmas night and the last show of A Christmas Story rolls around I’ve moved on to New Years Eve, The Super Bowl, and Spring Training, come on TBS just let me get back into my routine.

But I get it TBS, it’s not a bad strategy, you let Freeform blow their budget on every other good Christmas movie (Besides Home Alone, but don’t worry Freeform we’ll talk soon), you let AMC and the rest of basic cable pick the scraps of Christmas past and you stick to your game plan. You take your one Christmas movie, hype it to holy hell and then run the crap out of it for one single day. By the time we realize we’re sick of it, Christmas is over, and we have 364 days to forget we got sick of it. From a business standpoint it works, TBS dominates Christmas day ratings, but I ask you TBS, is this how you want to win? We’re at a crossroads in society and while it may feel safe to stick with this model, we get just a few chances in life to take the risk and change for the better. I’m out on 24 hours of A Christmas Story, in the words of known Christmas fanatic Kylo Ren, “Let the past die, kill it if you have to”