The Next Paul

As we keep an eye on who could possibly run against President Trump (Read: Pence) in 2020 I can’t help but think of February 3rd, 2016 the day Rand Paul dropped out of the Presidential Election leaving a massive void in our hearts where curly-headed Ophthalmologists in cowboy boots go, are we even still human at that point? More importantly though, Rand Paul ending his bid to be president could potentially mean the end of an election season tradition. If Rand decides this go around was indicative of potential future campaigns and doesn’t run in 2020 we could have our first Paul-less election since 2004. Between Ron’s 2008 and 2012 campaigns and Rand’s 2016 campaign (hanging out on the far edge of your television during debates) the world has had a Paul fighting for the Libertarian cause since before they needed to use washed up celebrities to get people to watch The Apprentice. So if Rand doesn’t run in 2020 the world needs a Paul to step up and carry the torch, let’s take a look at potential Pauls.

Chris Paul: The Clippers star point guard is from North Carolina which could make the transition easy for Kentucky based Rand Paul fans. CP3 probably isn’t the next big libertarian figure though. Chris Paul is second in assists among active players, he’s all about lending a helping hand and helping people get to where they need to go; Libertarianism is all about staying out of my business and letting me live by my means. Blake Griffin has all the means to throw down monster dunks by himself he doesn’t need Chris Paul and his socialist Lob City society and neither does the Libertarian movement!

Paul Giamatti: He was the Big Fat Lair, he’s already prepared to be a politician! He was John Adams, he already knows how to run the country! He managed NWA, that will grab the urban vote! He was Santa Clause, hello Catholic votes! This guy has been in everything! On second thought, don’t run for President Paul, take a damn day off.

Paul Simon: You can call him Al, just don’t call him Al Gore! Climate change is a myth, burn all the fossil fuels you want, who’s the government to tell you otherwise? Let’s forget that Simon is a lifelong democrat, this guy is a perfect fit to run a libertarian government. He’s 5’3”, I know Muppets taller than him; if this guy tells you he’s raising your taxes you steal his lunch money, throw him in a locker, and get back to All-American free market capitalism.

Paul Bear Bryant: I know he’s a winner but he’s dead. Jesus GOP, stop living in the past.

Aaron Paul: Isolationism, Bitch! I’m no Poli-Sci major but that’s a hell of a lot more persuasive than the mundane foreign policy discussion we’ve heard from Rand Paul. Aaron better call Saul and let him know drug legalization is now a state’s rights issue now, take that federal government.

Paulie Walnuts: Pass the gabagool and the Nuclear Launch Codes to my man Paulie “Walnuts” Gualtieri! This guy just keeps on keeping on, he’s outlasted boss after boss, he’ll probably be around to run against Baron Trump and Sasha Obama. He also sounds suspiciously like the dog that replaced that liberal windbag Brian Griffin, that’s a plus in my book. He may be rough around the edges but he’s still killed less people than Paul Ryan’s Healthcare plans would.

Paul Reubens- Ahhh! You just said the secret word, “Constitution!” They stole my bike! And my living wages with an abundance of taxes! You wrestling enthusiasts might remember Pee-wee Herman once guest hosted WWE Monday Night Raw, giving him pretty much the same qualifications as our current president.